An 18 year-old boy who went to my high school, who I was never close to and only spoke with a few times, died yesterday. I don't know how it happened.

He was one of two out gay boys that I knew of in my high school, when I was there.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about it today, since I found out, and it's making me feel ill.

Losing a close relative, a son, two days before Christmas. Seemingly unexpectedly. I can't imagine it. I feel myself shutting down emotionally thinking about anything like that happening to anyone close to me.

I have to believe the people in my life are invincible. At least right now. When the hustle and bustle of Christmas is over, everyone I love will still be alive. They'll still be around. I'm not going to lose anyone.

I know they're not invincible. I've been made aware of this over the past few months. Neither are my relationships. Everything isn't always okay. Sometimes people die too young, and sometimes parents stop talking to their children. I'd love to say that this fear I have of losing someone close to me is newfound, but it's not. It's been there for quite some time, hiding in the cracks of my consciousness, and it's been brought forward by Brad's death. Until today I was able to mask its presence with other emotions, to distract myself.

Anyone can die at any time. Some are more likely than others to die sooner. Focusing on death takes away from the resources I have that allow me to focus on life.